Who's Responsible?

Trusting God. How much do you trust God in your life? Do you believe Him to be soverign or just there watching? Does He either allow or cause everything to happen or does he leave it in your hands to decided, has he given you the ultimate in free will? The question is important to ask and more and more I evaluate my walk based on this question.

This was stirred again in my mind last night through some texting with my father. He always asks me to be safe here. He hates the idea of me going outside the wire especially on a regular basis as it may create a noticable pattern. He is my dad and I expect that from him, but this goes a little deeper. You see, he helped me to get connected a friend of his, who passed my resume to the appropriate people here at this Company.

Last night my father said that he felt responsible for me being here. Now he didn't say all these words but that if anything were to happen to me he would feel that it was his fault. What a tremendous burdon he must have. I fully understand this position as a father, the safety of your children, especially considering the idea in his mind that he help get me here.

My reaction to him wa sthat if he truly felt that he would be responsible for my death, if that were to occur, then I would come home right now. I could not in good conscience allow that to rest on his shoulders for the rest of his life if that would occur. He did not want me to do that as I believe he understands my view point on me being here. Today I guess I write this blog to maybe help my father to further undertsand my view.

I fully believe that I am here through the will of God. That through my obediance and faith He has worked his soverienty through my father, me and all the other circumstances of how this happened. This is my faith and it is my truth. I fully believe that all of the things that I am doing, the things that I am learning, and the way God continues to reveal himself in all of the Blessings was meant to be.

Now understand, God would have worked with me even if I didn't end up here, becasue as we are obediant to Him then we remain in His will always. So if I had chose not to come and my circumstances would have changed so would the blessings. But as I am here, here I will be used by God. Remember, He doesn't care if I turn left or right only that I walk for Him.

With that, I have been eternally changed here. My life and perspective have now been altered. The lens that I use to see things is colored shades of brown as this place has made me different then I would have been at home. I am no longer only seeing things from the box of Delmar New York. Through the window of my haouse out into my nice nieghborhood. Looking at all my friends whom look just like me.

I have learned to only rely on my relationship with God and walk with Jesus Christ as there ais nothing else as consistant for me then that. I no longer hold an expectation of my wife and family for anything past what any other person can give as inevitably they will fail me. I must wake every morning and set my focus on Him who will provide for me, that is how I take each day.

I have also learned that there is more to my faith then feeling good, about having a perfect life. that is not promised and is not what I now expect of God for my obediance. I don't ask God for anything for myself anymore because I have learned that it is not about me it is for Him I serve. I have learned that the ache in my stomach means satan is on the prowel and I must go out and hunt him down.

Through all this his blesings have come. Sometimes as little as the smile on the boys face as he recieves a gift of a coat and others in the fact that I am no longer bound as heavily by the circumstance in my life to the way I percieve my relationship with God. If I had been anywhere else right now I would not be here.

So back to the point at hand. My response to my fathers statement that is always at the end of our conversations, "be safe", is always the same, "as safe as I can be" for that is the best that I can do. For regardless if my father was part of the circumstance or not, I am here, and God will determine when I am not. My part is to be obediant but not stupid. To listen and trust, and not walk blindly and blame. My father, as an unbeliever may not understand this, but that is the truth. God will determine the outcome.

Lord Jesus, I ask to be used by you in all things. That my hands be your hands and my words be your words and that through me you are glorified. Give peace to those who require it and I pray that one day they may also rest in your truths. Amen.