2 Corinthians 1:8-9

"We do not want you to be uniformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentance of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead" 2 Corinthians 1:8-9.

Yesterday was really rough on me. For whatever reason my mind broke down and my thoughts went into a tail spin. One after another, each layer of defense broke down until I decided I was done with this. I was determined that I was going to make plans to Dmob and go home.

The day didn't start off that way, I was a little off, but not in the bottom of a pit looking at the floor wondering where to go, like the afternoon ended up. My post yesterday just didn't hit the mark. Many interuptions caused me to start and stop and loose my train of thought. If the Post takes me to long to write the cohesivness of it just isn't there, and it becomes somewhat disapointing.

I can't say for sure when it happened but before lunch I just mentally fell apart. Like I said, one layer of protection after another started to come off. I could feel myself slowly climbing down itto the hole that I described early. It is not depression, I have been there before, this is totally different. This is as I have discribed, torturous. so many things start to play in the biggest is lonliness. Odd as it may seem, in the middle of 3000 people that you could feel lonely but that is the best way to describe it. No one here could satisfy the need that I feel at that time.

I knew also that I should be seeking Him. He has always been faithful, is always faithful to respond when I have called Him. I know that He is there, but yesterday I just couldn't reach Him. I tried, over and over again. Calling out, praying but I just couldn't get my hand close enough to His. I struggled and continued to move down in the hole further. The feeling of dispare took over.

I sent Catherine an email, as writing usually helps me work these things out. I many times get the answers, or come to the conclusions, that I need to overcome something during a long bable in these. This did not work. At the very least I was letting Catherine fully understand where I am at while I am here. We are one and I need her to know, she wants to know, where I am at each day. She even is very good at connecting with me and directing me in a better direction. The time delay, before she reads them brings more waiting, deeper I go.

Very shortly after the email, I sent this to her "I want to come home". That was it. I was sitting at the bootom of the pit, staring at my feet, no hope. It is a bad feeling. I know all the steps, I know where my heart should be, my strength and soul but I just wasn't able to get it there. I just wasn't able to look up. So I sat, and wallowed, and just lost hope.

Then I started to justify why it would be ok to go home. Why my work here was done. Why I could quit and have it be ok. I was justifing why God didn't need me here and that I could just go home and start this all there. So I was now bolstering my conviction that my feelings were valid and that I was right in my thinking.

I went for A walk at lunch. I prayed, hard. One of the areas in which I have been convicted is in my prayer life. I have been giving the Lord ony a few seconds here and there throughout the day. I was not devoting time to our relationship. This may be why I couldn't quite reach Him in my time of dispare, He wanted me to learn something. So now I would confess to Him that I was lax in my devotion. I called out and appologized for my meager attempts at a relationship. Here I would pour out my heart to my wife but only give Him the rements of my thoughts. I cried, litterly cried to Him to help me. I was now looking up a little from my depths and seeing some light.

At the end of this walk Istood outside of my office trying to sing, and continue to worship in some way. I had not been able to fully relieve myself of this delema. I was trying but I remained. It struck me then at that time that I needed to speak with someone, a Christian Brother. I went next door to the Engineers office, a man named Steve who comes to Church on Sundays. The Lord told me and I responded.

Steve was very gracious. I told Him I needed a Christian Brother and he immediately closed his computer and asked me to sit. As I sat I started to cry, telling him that I was just having a rough time and my mind was telling me to go home. I explained it had started with Thansgiving but got tremendously worse today. He words began to help me even more, we had felolowship in the Lord. I was leaning on Him and it was allowing me to stand up and look even higher.

Shortly after this conversation I was called that I had a letter in the mail. As I recieved it I saw that it was not from anyone I knew. Catlett Virginia, was the town and the name was unfamiliar. I had a few months ago, written letters to several churches to inform them of where their care packages had ended up. This letter was in response to one of them. This woman, Darlene, was so thrilled to have recieved my note of thanks to her church. She told me that the Pastor had read the letter to the Congregation and that it lifted them up.

She went on to tell me about her life a little and in her letter the following statement struck through my heart. "Even through the darkest times one only needs to seek the Light." This was followed several sentences later with this "I pray everyday that God will lead me to where I am needed and that He will give me strength to do His work." God talks to us in many ways. My focus was now turning to where it should be. Even though I was in the pit, I was looking straight up out of the hole, looking towards Him.

Catherine and I spoke around 1500, she had seen my note. I could not control my tears as I described my feelings, where I had been during the day. Catherine also has been in a struggle. This attack was hitting both of us, the Holiday and the lonliness. She is strong however and tends to see things more prctically than I. We talked about what this was, and how we needed to seek Him. She asked if I thought that the fellings were from God or not. If I thought God was calling me home or if Satan was just attacking. She said I had to ask for that descernment.

Catherine and I were able, like Steve before, to work through some of these feelings. To set direction and purpose through the pain. She feels for me when I am in this place, she loves me and she has desire for me to be in a good place always. I climbed higher out of the pit.

Saturday is a special day also in that I can Skype in and listen to the Saturday morning mens group. I look forward to this a brief connection with more of the people that I love so much. On this day I was able to pour out to them my struggle. Brian very graciously lead the men in prayer for me. All gathering around the computer and in Brotherly fellowship praying for my needs. I cried at thier outpouring, tears on my keyboard. But in the end, I came up higher, seeing more of the light that my mind needed.

Just before leaving in the evening, a headache now very prevelent. I was able to speak with the young Muslim man who had sat on my bed a few weeks back and listened to our Bible Study at the end of which he asked for a Bible. He asked if we still did the thing that we did every night. He said that he had been working late but really wanted to join us again. I was so pleased, that here was another note from the Lord, a confirmation of why I am here. This man was seeking and asking for more from me.

I fought a bad headache as I lay down for bed last evening. One of the worst I have had in a long time. When I woke this morning, I prayed. I thanked the Lord for all of the things He had provided me through out the day. I reflected on my thoughts and went to Him in prayer. The verse at the top 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 was in the reading for the day.

I was under great pressure far beyond my ability to endure, I despaired even life. In my heart I felt the sentence of death. But this happened so that I would not rely on myself but on God who raises from the dead. I was dead to this life that I am in. I was dead to my purpose and understanding of that purpose. I wanted nothing more than to flea from this place because of the pressure. My head was going to explode, litterly. But this happened so that I would not rely on myself but on God. Yesterday he raised me from my death.

On instance at a time He extended the opportunities for me to learn. I had dispare and He set me to prayer. I was alone and He set me to fellowship. My life was purposeless and He showed me purpose. I came to Him and He gave me His word to seal the lesson. I must rely on Him ultimately. I must endure as Paul did and continue on the path for which He has me.

I am sorry for the length of this post. I needed to place all this here. It is the way my mind developed these events, but the point is made that God will see us through, in His way and in His time. We only need trust Him. I am still beaten this morning but I am focussed on Him. In our lives it won't be to our undeerstanding butto His. Trust that.

Lord, I appreciate the object lesson of the last twenty four hours. I pray that I never go through this again, but know thatI probably will.