Wow, this is so much tougher than I would have thought, leaving home again. I would have expected that since I had been through it once, ninety days ago, that it would not have been this bad. I am hurting, and the "ache" is back with force.
I had a great time on R&R and feel that I we made the most of what the time we had together. Could we have done more? Certainly. Should we have done more? I don't know I guess the feeling in my stomach says, "yes". I feel like I could have filled the days with more things with my family and friends. Maybe that is just hind sight and satan working on my head, giving me the "you should of's" list. He is a master at that game.
It does make me think about how we love. R&R becomes a show of all of the love that could not be shown when you weren't there physically. Does that make sense? You want to make up for time away, abscense, and I don't feel as if I did. Just a feeling mind you. Part of the trickery also that is going on in that it can work against my well being. The good news is that I know that I did my best in being present in the moments that I had. That I gave as much as I could have given and that is the best I could do. I will ask you the question though again sio you can ponder it for a bit, how do you show your love and is that the most meaningful ay you can?
It was eye opening how quickly I fell back into normal life. I would say it was almost immediately although I was aware enough for it to bother me. It actually scared me that I could so quickly loose the closeness that I feel with the Lord while I am here when I returned home. It was easy for me not to rely on His presence each day, to move away from Him a bit because of the other things going on. Maybe this is the human condition that we will never pass through? the good news is that I have been walking in His presence continually today.
Sounds funny, I get on a plane and things change. I become uber Saint, finding the Lord again for my strength and comfort. Why wasn't this continual? Why does it come and go? I can some it up and maybe I am rehashing the last few paragraphs, but I became comfortable back at home. My needs changed because things got cushy. So this tells me something. It tells me that as Christians that when we are totally comfortable we have a tendancy to leave God out a bit. We only like the temporary fix when we are sick not the long term cure of total devotion.
My R&R was fabulous, and I am back here now. I appologize for the lack of writing especially to those who read daily. I was on vacation I guess. Good lame excuse. Do you think God went on vacation from me? HMMMMM? I don't. He was there.
He was there when I got the kids off the bus. He was there on Saturday morning at Men's group. He was with us at the Jerabecks. He was definately with me at my childrens school when I visited with the students. He was with me at the two Sunday services. He was absolutely with everyone at Tom Littles Memorial as I saw Him in Tom. He was there the whole time and occasionally I noticed. Occassionally I responded to Him and even spoke with Him in prayer. Occasionally I wrote about Him. But on most occasions I thought about me and didn't think about Him until I needed to. My fault. Your fault when you do it also.
I just pray today that I get better at this relationship with Him. He is always, always faithful to us. We just don't return the love in the same way. My R&R was great, with my family. My R&R from Him I was not good.
Lord, "I'm Back" hopefully better than before. I pray for my strength Lord, in you. I pray that I don't slack again. I pray that these are not just words right now.
First time in Afghanistan as a civilian contractor under a one year contract. I have been brought here by God and intend to speak the Gospel of Christ however I can.
Mike, you are right on with this post. The name of the game: continual awareness of "God-with-us", Emmanuel.
ReplyDeleteWhen we don't have the material props for our security we are more likely to turn to God. Isn't that the story of Israel in the OT?
"Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! "
Michael, you almost make it sound like God is not foremost in your life when you are home, only when you are in the desert. I would think that your home and family would really more center you in Jesus than exclude him. I would think that every time you looked at your new home, basement, Catherine, Harrison and Anna, you would think about how blessed you are and thank the Lord for his blessings. I personally don't believe that you have to dwell on God every minute of every day in order to love God. When I have attended your church with you I was impressed by the way Frank and others brought God into their daily lives and talked about how he influenced how they acted and thought about the serious and also funny experiences that life brings. It is great that you have God to be beside you as you go through your workday far from home but you should not feel guilty that when you were home, you had important duties as a father and husband. You didn't exclude God as you performed those duties and I am sure he smiled as you performed them in his name.
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ReplyDeleteThank you for the post. It is not that God and Jesus Christ are not foremost in my life but I know in myself that there is a big difference in my mindset from when I am home and when I am here in Afghanistan. At home it is so much easier for me to not seek Him then it is to seek Him in my thoughts. There are many distractions that take the conscienceness away from Him. I know that he is alays with me, but I am not always with Him. My dependance at home is less than when here because of everything else that is going on. It is also unfortunate that I have to have nothing, to have struggles, to truly seek Him as He asks us to in our everyday lives.
As a Christian my life is an ongoing struggle to become more like Christ. There is a constant tug of war between dependance and independance. It will never end unfortunately, but as I become better at "Following Him" then the struggle between the two becomes less.