The feeling is back! The one in my stomach that makes me uncofortable and makes it hard to stay focussed. My mind continues to turn from here to home and form the lord to the world. It is most like hunger pains that won't go away.
This place I have come to know, is the place where I experience most growth and my turning to Him brings me the most Joy. Frank says often that it is best to be in a continual state of brokeness so that Lord can work in us more freely. I believe that where we really need to be is just at the point where we turn back to Him. At the point where I still have this pit in my stiomach and where I can feel the Joy that the Lord brings in my heart. At that point we have the starkest contrast of the world and of Heavenly things.
It is not a normal thought. We don't want to be in discomfort. We don't want to feel like our lives are in that flux. It is probably follishness to some who read now, but to me it is not. It is where I can face the Lord in Humility and He can show me His path, His light because I have the darkness around me.
Some of what I have been feeling is Pride in the work that I see being done here. I tend to get on a high about it and then it becomes about me. I feel like I am suceeding and that I am doing good things. That is not the case. My pride should be an indicator to me that I am in the wrong place for the Lord. This is His work, I am but a tool for Him.
I also have been longing to see my children. To hold them and to watch them play. To sit and hear all about the day they had with friends. This is something that I did not paticularly do all the time. Agian with my schedule and my things going on, it became about me. At home I spent time discipling others, my work for the Lord. Not that this is bad but again my pride was apperent now that I look back I see my pride and I realized that in some instances it became about me and what I did.
I am also begining to think Iam missing out on a part of my life. The part that I just can't see enough or touch enough. I feel as if people will move past me and I will be behind a little when I return. That I will not catch up. This is strange and I haven't given this to Him and it nags at me.
The temporal part of this is that I know in my heart that I must not quit. That I must continue on and endure where I am at. My faith continues to direct me that He knows what He is doing, that He will see me through. My faith is that I can be used by Him for His glory and to be His light. We need to make choices in this life and the way I see it there are only two. To walk in faith or to walk in pride. Either I do it for myself or I do it for Him. It doesn't say that the pain will go away it only says where the pain will be applied to, me or my Lord and Savior. My faith turns me back to Him.
As much as I don't like being in this state it facilitates the turning point, the point of my descisions where I can experience Him most fully.
First time in Afghanistan as a civilian contractor under a one year contract. I have been brought here by God and intend to speak the Gospel of Christ however I can.
I greatly rejoice in my salvation, though now for a little while, if necessary, I have been grieved by various trials, so that my faith, being much more precious than gold, that perishes even though refined by fire, may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when You, O Jesus Christ, are revealed. 1 Peter 1:6-7
ReplyDeleteYou're going deep!
ReplyDeleteRegarding the work you are being paid for, it seems to me that you can be glad when things are going well. God gave you your talents and put you there. As long as you can give all the credit to Him, you should be able to be content and happy. It gets harder when things don't go so well, but always remember that He is with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. I always appreciate reading your thoughts. They become very uplifteing to me and always come at the right point.
ReplyDeleteI often think of this couplet:
ReplyDeleteTwo men looked out through prison bars.
One saw mud; the other, stars.
It reminds me that our focus is everything. "Choose you this day whom you will serve," Joshua said. We choose whether to look at mud or look at stars. Our circumstances never - never - control our attitude. We may be influenced by them, yes, but ultimately we choose what to fixate on. The human will is incredibly powerful!
Let's fix our eyes on the prize, brother!
God bless!