I Finally Lost It!

Ok, so we all have good days and bad days, right? Well I have not lost my cool for over three months now. I have been the light the Christ has asked us to be and I have been very thankful that He has given me the strength for so long, but this morning I had it.

Now if you read yesterday you could almost see the pressure building. You could see that I was struggling with so much and it was wearing me out. Spirtually I have been pouring out to those around me and have not been getting filled as I should. Physically I have been ok, I actually feel good now that I have lost so much weight, but I have not gotten the sleep I have needed. Mentally, without the sleep and then all of the nonsense I have delt with has worn me down. I just churned yesterday over and over again.

Catherine is a big help for me now. Thankfully since I have been away we have not been both on a low at the same time which is a definate blessing for us as we can always lift each other up. I also know what I should do, what the Lord asks of me. That I should, and will, suffer for His name but to maintain that focus on Him and in turn show His power by our lack of reaction to the world.

It has been building in me, this pressure, the other things that today I burst. It came out with a Supervisor that works for me that is so crued and disrespectful to his subordinates it would make your head spin. That he has on several occassions made fun of my Faith, that I pray and that I go to Church. That he, because of his relationship with my boss believes that he is untouchable and that he gets away with whatever he wants and what put me over the top is that he acts like a child whenever someone speaks to him about his job. It is all around just frustrating.

So boom! This morning I was like the old Mike, way old Mike. As you would say I ripped him on how he reacted when I stepped in on a situation concerning one of our Drivers. I was actually shaking from my adrenaline. He concluded with a threat that wait until my boss heard about this. I told him I didn't care as I was not going to allow him to do this anymore.

I felt bad immediately as to not staying calm. I could have spoke the same message in normal voice and it would have been so much better for me and for my wittness. I sat for a second afterward and began to help the driver that he was speaking wit at the time.

Within a few moments I regained my composser and went to the Camp Manager to explain what had happened. His first reaction was to ask me if I wanted to send him home on the next plane. I said that that would not be good for me as he and my Boss were friends. I said that I would document everything and deal with him in the proper way as regards to corrective actions and such. I then wrote to my Boss and explained the situation to him as my Boss is in KAF at this time.

Wow, I guess I still have a fuse! I guess there is still some area in me that has not worked itself out. I have a limit. I am still trying to determine if it was righteous or not. Was I serving myself or God when I knocked him down a peg and set a tone for his actions. I wonder if it will have a positive outcome or not and that maybe this place will not have to hear his mouth like that anymore. I will see.

Lord forgive me for my anger and emotions when they overtake me. Pray that this will ultimately be to His glory.