Worn Out!

I am almost drained from these past several days. Mentally and physically I have beat myself down to a very weak place. I feel as I am walking a thin line between ok and not, sound and unsound. It is testing me and my faith.

Being physically tired wants to keep me sleeping in, staying in my chair all day and not motivated to do anything outside of what I have to do. It weighs on my heart as my nature is to help. Here it it seen as a bad thing, especially from my boss, and getting beat up by it doesn't help the situation for me.

Yesterday I became involved in moving beds and people from the West side to the East side. This under normal circumstances would not be a big deal except that it has been a problem from the initial phase of this move. So, George, Rosvund (a new Transporation Coordinator) and I went tent to tent and basically evicted everyone we could find still in them. When that was completed, we began to pull the bunk beds out of the tents and then the mattresses. Dirty stinky, old mattresses so that they could be reused over on the West Side. Tottal, fifty bunks and one hundred mattresses.

Then, if that wasn't far enough out of my lane when we got them over to the East side we had to move them into the tents over here. This required us to first remove the existing bed and then bring in the bunk and mattress. What this did is create two beds where there was one before. It also created all open top bunks which nobody wants. Ok, not my problem right? Wrong. Now I am the go to guy for the remianing fifty six people who need to move over here that I had just an hour before evicted from the West Side. I get to be the bad guy explaining why they now all had top bunks. Over and over again.

This is all taxing on me. It really makes me come back to my old nature and I struggle to maintain myself and my frustration. This has also taxed my relationship with my men and with my freinds. Chandel and I at this point are at a stand still. He figures that my heart is no good from what I can understand and I can't continue to watchover him at every day. It saddens my heart tremendously but that is the facts.

I also have a few New employees who just, in my opinion do anything without a discussion, explination and being watched over by somone. The first day on the ground we had to talk to them about their work. One of these men is Born Again and a Man of God and with this tells me often during our discussion this point. Someone had I guess told him that I was also. So with this now that their is tentsion in our working relationship I get comments from him like, "Sir, I am a real Man of God and truly Born Again" and "I don't know where your heart is on this." Wow, maybe I am losing it! I think. I am certainly not the light I was.

So last night ends with me having to go recue the lost who have not moved yet, including Chandel and the two other Drivers who I just can't get along with. Now they had not heeded my direction in being prepared to move Thursday afternoon, so I couldn't grab their stuff when I was there. Now they were still there and taking it out on me that thye had to move to top bunk space and so late in the game. Even Chandel, and this is why we are strained, figure that I left Him. None of them had listen to the direction they were given. So I stood at 2100 trying to explain the failings of the system and what they needed to do at this point. Don't worry about killing the messenger becasue the messanger was already dead, tired.

So, some moved some didn't and I am at the end of my rope. The two men that I can't seem to get along with now apperently want to go to HR because all of this is my fault. Chandel is barely talking to me and everyone that I had to tell they had top bunks just sees me as the descision maker. The worst part is that now with all this practical experience I am now considered the Repo man by the O&M Manager who will leave on R&R today and I have been given the responsibility to get everyone out of the West side by midnight tomorrow. Tic-Toc.

So Spirtualy because of being mentally worn down I just am floating along. I am strong in my purpose here, but at this time I am "just in the desert" and there is no fruit to be found, anywhere. I am good that I know that that is what it is, it will pass, and that my heart is in the right place with the Lord. I know he has not left me, I am just seeing the "world for all of it glory" and of course that is facecious. Just a tough spell where my endurance is being tested. This is what I get paid for and I know it will all work out in the end, but it still stinks.

This reminds me at this moment of 1 Corinthians 3, I believe. That we will all be tested by fire. As children of God we will go through the fire but we may get burned along the way. It is ultimately what determines what our faith was made of, Gold, Silver or precious gems, or some wood and straw. I will see in the end.

Pray for me just for rest and peace. That the headache, both real and that caused by all these things goes away. Pray for me that the rest of the evictions go ok and that I can move the last of the stuff before my deadline of the 31st from the West side. Pray for an oasis for me to take a drink before I continue on into the rest of this desert.