Rip Me Down

I give it all to God. I seek the rest that is in the Lord. I long to be in continual fellowship with Him that provides me so much. I walk in this world and struggle back and forth, back and forth. I pray the desires of my heart, when I know them. I ask forgivness when my desires atre outside of glorifing Him. Back and forth, back and forth.

There are so many things here that make it easy to be in the right place with the Lord. I have no car, no bills, no house that can have problems. I have no snow to shovel or children to get up, fed and to school, homework in the afternoons. All of that is 7000 miles away at the end of a phone line. I do have the work and the twenty four seven aspects of living with the same people I work with, living in a war zone.

There is no reason then that I should have such pain in my fellowship. Why even with so few problems to deal with in an actual sense that I should not be the perfect Christian, the called Saint that the Lord wants us to move towards. I spend my time with Him, nothing brings me solice like my time of prayer and devotions. My writing even when it is right just flows without thought. So why the struggle to become more, to have more?

Is it my pride? Is it the need of man not to settle? Is it the Lord calling me closer? These thought flood my mind, they are ever present when I am quiet. What is next and where do I go from here? What will He have me do, where will I be called? I ask because I want to know, it is my human nature. I ask out of no disrespect, I long to know.

If I could give up the connection to home I would, it is what keeps me from even more experiencing the Lord. I understand why Paul would say not to be married, not because of the joy that it brings and the companionship. Not because of the children but only because it takes you from tottally giving yourself over to Him that has paid so much for you. I love my family, but because of that love I must seek to go deeper with the Lord. I musty force myself to stay here and to rely only on Him.

This land has captivated me. The pain and suffering that brings me joy, the constant struggle to become closer to God, captivates me. I understand it, I know what and why it is. If it were easy then I wouldn't have come so far. If it did cause strugle then it would not be worth so much. How often is a gift forgotten and the true reason behind it passed by. Is not that the same that we do as cChristians as we look away from the Cross?

Paul tells us not to, Christ requires us to daily to pick up His Cross to follow Him. That is because there is value in that Cross, there is change in that Cross, there is pain in the cross and we should not forget it for our own earthy, meager sufferings. We think sometimes only of the earthly problems, the car, the house, the music at the church, our childrens grades, when we should be worried about the redemption that Jesus made for us. We should only worry of the things that truly matter, the things of heaven.

I wrestlye everyday with my faith. that is why I am so thankful for it and for the love of Jesus Christ that I have found. No man here on earth can bring what I truly need, not even Catherine and the second that I believe that she can, then I have moved away from Him. I fear sometimes this message as those that do not understand it will rebuke it but it is what is laid on my heart. It is what I must express at this time. That I must rely soley on the Lord in all things and seek only Him.

Stop, stop, stop complaining about the simple things. Stop thinking tha this life is to make you feel good. The problems that you ask God to fix, what are they and why are they? Simple, neglagable issues that cause you pain. If it draws you away from Him then it is evil, if it does you must fight it, not embrace it. Pray for Him to let you see these things for what they are worth. Pray that you overcome the worldly issues. The one that should cause you suffering are the ones that lead you closer to Him.

Lord, rip me down to nothing in the circumstances of this world. Show me the path that I must walk everyday, through fires and turmoil, through longings that will lead directly to you. You suffered for me on that crass and there is no reason why I should think that I sjhould only recieve the benefits of that. Bring me to the place Lord where I have nothing else to offer you but me. Amen.